I ran, I hid, I tried to allude, but in the end it found me, pounced and pinned me to the ground. Not a pretty site. If you've never been pounced on by the loser monster, feel very lucky. It's not something I wish on anyone :)
So here I lay under the huge weight of this ugly monster, wracking my brain to figure out how to move this huge beast off of me. For the life of me I have not been able to figure it out (I do think I have been able to move up to my hands and knees because I can joke about it now).
Think of when Mr. Incredible was running out of the "secret computer room", and was getting pelted with those little, black, rubber balls. They kept growing until even Mr. Incredible wasn't strong enough to keep going. I had every aspect of life come at me all at once, latch on, and blow up into such huge weight that I couldn't stand up any longer.
I'm not proud I let it all get to me, in fact I think that is one of the badges that the monster is proudly wearing . Come to think of it, it looks pretty good in all of the badges it has pinned to it's chest. There are many. I know there are many people going through much worse things then me, and handling it much better (another badge). I have looked around, and I know I am so blessed, but still can't hardly breath (I think I see that one pinned next to the "Horrible Mother" badge. Oh nope, it's next to the "Can't get anywhere on time" badge).
Finally to get through the day I had to shut down. I couldn't talk to anyone, didn't want to go any where or see anyone. Only because I seemed to disappoint everyone I saw. "Sorry we can't do this" or "I meant to call, and forgot" or "We can't have friends over today. We have to be able to see the floor before friends can come over" or "I really wish I could, but can't" or "No we are still not done with the house. Would you quit laughing?" or " I know I should be doing this, but my goal was to get out of bed today, and not go back until bedtime. And that was about all I can handle today". I could go on. . .
Anyway, it's a miserable, yucky place to be. I really never thought that I would be here, and had always hoped I could handle life. Not really the case right now.
It is a heavy, depressing monster to be carrying around. I hope to one day be rid of it, but the longer it stays on, the less I feel like I can be rid of it.
If any one has been pounced on, and been able to get rid of this ugly monster, I could use a few pointers ;)
For anyone else . . . It seems to be pretty attached to me, so you won't have to worry about it finding you and pouncing anytime soon:)
And, once (or if) I figure out how to coax it off my back, I can only hope to help others rid themselves of the monster as soon as possible.
. . .
I meant to post sooner, but my computer has been acting up. It keeps "timing out" when ever I have tried to post or comment on anyone else's. I have tried to comment, but can't. So please don't think I don't care. I don't want to add that badge to the pile. I have run every test I have, but still can't get my computer to work well. I will keep trying.
And I can't get my spell checker to work. Sorry to all of the English pros out there. My grammar and spelling really stink.
14 comments:
jamie, jamie, jamie!!
I'm so glad to hear from you...i was a little worried!
I know exactly how you feel, even though our struggles may be different..i too have been attacked by a horrible monster. My monster had to deal with a great loss I just suffered...and it tied me down with hate, anger, jealousy, dispise for others who were able to have what I couldn't. It even got so bad that I came close to alienating some family members who are truly dear and near to my heart. I struggled for a long time-and I still struggle.
I had to hit "rock bottom," I was mad at myself, my husband was mad at me, family members and friends...but I finally realized that I could no longer let this thing rule my life...it was time to move on...and so I do, I try and I make it one day at a time.
If you have seen my blog lately..I started a new thing-my alphabet of gratitude. I've only made it through "A" but I am going to work my way through the ABCs and look at what I have to be greatful for! It seems to be helping so far---i'm already thinking ahead!
I'm sorry you are going through this, you are in my thoughts and I truly feel you are an amazing person and I look up to you with great admiration!
Sorry to write a novel, but "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!"
Love ya!
Oh dear, you don't sound like you are doing too good, and I'm so sorry! Everyone seems to claim how invincible us women are, but yet we never see men having emotional breakdowns or becoming vulnerable to such a scary monster. Maybe we are invincible because we can always make it through, and with flying colors! And I know that's how you'll come out of it too! Hope you start feeling better!
I,m stuck under the depressing winter monster. It's got to get better with spring right? Hope it gets here soon. Maybe it will help chase all the monsters away.
Just one thought came to mind. Whenever I get down it's because I am trying to do too much. I always compare myself to everyone (especially my mom). But we all know, and I've finally come to realize, that Cynde is a super woman and she has had many years to become what she is. I know it's hard to be content with who you are and the good things you do, it is for me anyways. But I'm slowly learning that as long as I'm always trying, that's good enough. I can only handle what I can handle and that may be less than others, but that's ok. Jamie, you are such a sweat girl. Thanks for sharing your hard times. I'll be praying for you. :)
Oh James, I've been so worried about you. I tried to call you the other day. I left a message, (probably on the wrong #.) I can't say that I know how you feel, because I've never struggled with real depression. But I know people who have. The one thing that seems to be a commom thread is to not go at it alone...that being said, it is SO hard to let others help when we are feeling so terrible. Please accept the help others offer, and don't be afraid to ASK for help. (Coming from me, the queen of being rediculously stubbornly independent...) Ok I'll stop. I love you to pieces.
Just kidding, I have one more thing to say. Thanks for sharing. You know I used to be a pretty private person (I know hard to believe if you read my blog) then one day I realized that holding everything in doesn't help anyone. Not me, not friends or family who could serve me, or learn from me, or even just relate when they are struggling too. I know SOOO many people probably have felt as you are feeling, and you could be their inspiration. So really thanks for sharing.
I was wondering where you went! I miss all of your posts. Sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time lately. The monster that has had me in a headlock lately is the "you have so much to do and can't possibly get it all done" monster. I really think I may be having panic attacks.....I'm not sure if that is what they are but I feel short of breath and like I might throw up. After breaking down (a few times) I decided that there was truly only one person who really knows every single little thing that I have to do and how incompitent I feel at everything I do. I feel like I am spread so thin I suck at everything I have to do. The only one that really gets to me is the mom part, my kids deserve my best. Anyways back to the only person that really knows and understands what I am feeling in my life right now. I just prayed and prayed and told Heavenly Father I couldn't do it alone......that is my advice to you. He knows what you are going through, so feel free to have him take that monster off or at least jump in the fighting ring with you. I too look up to you and admire all that you do so well. Your pictures are amazing, your girls adorable, and you could be a super model! Thanks for your post.
It's the weather, I swear it is the weather and then if you have any other stresses (ie. building a house) that dang thing (monster)just keeps growing! I am feeling it myself so I am not going to give any advice but let me know how long it insists on staying around:)
Jamie,
I don't know what else to add, but hang in there. We all have our different trials and we aren't given more than we can handle. (So someone up above must think you are a strong enough person to handle the monster:) I always have to tell myself that. Also when I am going through a difficult time, I have to tell myself that after every storm comes a rainbow, and this too shall pass.
Woman, you are the best, you know that? (You have this knack of explaining yourself so well, even if it is monster stuff...) I have to say amen to all that has been written, and I do know how you feel. It's so hard when the life gets sucked right out of you and you find yourself struggling to find the silver lining in anything. I know, for myself, a thought came to me a while ago that we're told in the scriptures to not run faster than we have strength. Which is easy for me to do. Somehow, it made me feel better to know that I just don't have to do everything right now and I don't have to be perfect all the time. And even still, I don't do any one thing too well, I'm just pretty mediocre at a whole bunch of stuff and I really stink at the rest. (You should see my kitchen right now, SCARY!) I promise that if you could see the you that everyone else sees, you would see this person that is incredibly beautiful, talented in so many ways, and able to handle so many things really well. You'd also see a person who's real. It takes a lot to identify and say how you really feel about something, and you are able to do that. You are stronger than this. I wish we lived closer, and am still looking forward to June! That's one of my little highlights right now! Know that you are loved and very much appreciated by me.
Love, KS
Hey Jaime, been there...done that etc.. I kicked the MONSTERS ass when I finally just forgave myself for NOT being perfect!:) We aint supposed to be!! Just love yourself for who and what you are! Hang in there! :) p.s. watch "THE SECRET" :)
Jamie,
I hope things are getting better and better each day. I just want you to know that I think you are AMAZING. And don't give up on yourself.
James, Are you there? I've been totally thinking about you. And now, I'm going to start praying for you. And I love who you are.
Hey Jamie. I was in town last weekend and left you a little something on your back door step. I hope it was the right house and I hope a little animal didn't get to it before you did. Can't wait to hear from you. :)
Hey Jamie. I saw you in church for a second, but didn't get a chance to say hi, so sorry! I hope things are going better for you. I'm still rootin for you to beat the monster!
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